but if you ask nicely or I think you are a good person or I think you are in trouble, I will almost always tell you yes. And then I will break everything in my life to hold to it or
sometimes
I will drop
all
the
balls.
This is not healthy.
Took me a long time to realise the person asking the question is not actually hoping to hear me say yes. He is hoping to get the thing done well and on time. An honest no would have been fine. It's not conflict. It's just a fact and it's better for everyone.
So I started the practice of deciding if I am going to accept a responsibility requested of me. Sounds ridiculous writing it down like this but it's true and it has served me well for three reasons:
It helps me separate the things that matter to me from the things that matter to other people
It shows me my resources as finite
It increases the time between the stimulus (the request) and my response (the yes or no) and so doing separates the interaction and the relationship from the doing of the thing
All of which opens the door to a better quality commitment
Pictured below is my desk with all the projects I am currently working on. Each one has a compelling reason why I want to do the work. A reason that is not simply because someone asked me to do it or because I think it is the right thing to do.
Examples can be helpful so here are a few of mine:
For a request to moderate a series of interviews
A research topic that intrigues me in a category that will make a corner of the world a better place
A rare chance to work in Afrikaans
A fun team to work with that I can learn from and where I know that my contribution will be valued and my needs respected
This is something that I can do easily
What it will take from me:
Low-risk work - I am not responsible for the recruitment or any other expenses. If things go wrong it won't be on my watch
The only time investment is attending the actual interviews - I can excuse myself from report writing (which is less defined ito time and significantly more draining on my resources)
Project Accepted
For a request to analyse 800 focus group transcripts
Ok it wasn't 800 but it was close. It was a sensus of a massive mining operation
Paid a very good hourly rate for a significant number of hours
Working with a team I highly respect, with a different skillset and way of work from me
What it will take from me:
It will require long diligence in one direction for at least 8 weeks
It will use all my time. I won't have any left for anything else
If I'm honest - I will get bored. I don't have the stamina and this is not the kind of task I can automate
Project Referred to a trusted colleague
For a request to conduct a study in a new African market:
An opportunity to test out a new methodology for working remotely in Africa
An opportunity to test out a new partnership that I'm excited about
A study in an industry that can significantly change peoples lives for the better
What it will take from me:
It will take a lot - courage, trust, managing many multiple risks and bringing all of myself
Project Accepted
These reasons are extremely personal and contextual and you will have to find your own. I hope thinking about commitments in this way will help you say no so that you can say yes to what matters.
This post is a fan letter. If you want to read more about starting with what matters, I recommend you go here.
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